Tuesday, 16 April 2013

Letting go...

On March 11th I left work on adoption leave with the intention to become a SAHM. For quite some time I had to adjust to resetting my brain to this.  All my life I've worked in demanding jobs.  I've had two major careers; teacher and police officer. To a greater extent I have defined myself by what I do. All of a sudden I am the millennial equivalant of the Baldwin sisters in The Waltons; except rather than not being married/having a family, I'm married, with a family and I actually want (shock, horror) to look after them.
At first I had a bit of a mini melt down.  I swear, if my husband wasn't due to come home  I may have stayed in my dressing gown all day.  We waited for our little girl for so long and the plan was always that I would give up work. The reality though is something else.  I had in my mind that I had to be supermum/wife. Interacting with my daughter so she becomes a super-genius, in a super clean home, cooking perfect meals. There are some problems with this so:

  1. I can't cook, 
  2. my daughter doesn't speak yet and I find it really hard to keep up a one sided conversation about bricks 
  3. and I was so unsure about what to do with her when I wanted to pee, let alone get on and clean the house.

When I did manage to to pull myself together to get dressed I was still unsure about what to do with her.  I mean, how long is it ok to leave a 16 month old for? I was therefore diving in and out of my bedroom to check up on her as she was on the upper landing (with a baby gate ). I was so busy playing peekaboo to entertain her that I accidentally flashed the neighbours house. I don't think they saw but to add to my blue mood I suddenly thought to myself that it wouldn't be so bad if I was my role model
but to be honest I'm a bit more like this
but without the housekeeping skills.
As I started to freak out at failing at a job that the majority of society think is second rate I gave myself permission to be a good enough mummy.

The other thing I did was to trust in God.
The amount of people who have judged my choice and who seem to override it with comments like "and you can always go back when your adoption leave is up" (Toby and I would like me to remain at home with little one until they're at school) - I interpret this as " you've got time to come to your
senses!". Even my mum, always an advocate of the importance of motherhood in the early years, doesn't seem
to apply his to me.  Apparently she can't see me being happy staying at home doing nothing!!!!

I started to question - if all these people assume I'll go back within the year time frame, how will I ever get back into the job make after a prolonged absence? Cue hyperventilation.

The bottom line is this. I believe God guided me to the choice of my beloved career, teaching. I believe he guided me to the choice of adoption and my beloved daughter. He said not to worry, not to be afraid. God can get me a job.
Today I got up, dressed my little one and myself (sad that I'm boasting about that - yes?), went to mass, managed to keep her relatively calm throughout it, brought us home, gave us a healthy lunch, BAKED A CAKE, clean the house and had a friend over for tea. Then my daughter, who up until now has only taken 3 steps accidentally on her own or through coercion, took twenty steps unaided across the living room. Repeatedly. Awesome. Vindication of my faith right there me thinks.
For all those SAHMs out there doubting a picture of Bree to keep you going. We might not be ale to live up to the dream, but isn't the dream lovely?

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I welcome your posts whether you agree with me or not. Can I ask that people are respectful to each other; no-one has the right not to be offended, but I think that we can talk to each other without swearing or using personal insults.
If you want to use the whole "sky fairy" thing when you're talking to people with faith that too is your perogitive. Just know that for me and many others when you do you've lost the argument.